Strict Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats

	Stray cats will not be fed.
	Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
	Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
	Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
	Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
	Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
	Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
	Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
	Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
	Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
	Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
	Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
	Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
	Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
	Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
	Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
	Stray cats will sleep outside.
	Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
	Stray cats will sleep in the house.
	Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
	Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
	Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
	Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
	Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
	Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
	Stray cats will not play on the desk.
	Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
	Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

The Naming of Cats

by

T. S. Elliot

The naming of cats is a difficult matter,

It isn't just one of your holiday games;

You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter

When I tell you a cat must have three different names.

First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,

Such as Victor, or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey--

All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,

Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames;

Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter--

But all of them sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,

A name that is peculiar, and more dignified,

Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,

Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,

Such as Munkustrap, Quazo or Coripat,

Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellyrum--

Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there's still one name left over,

And that is the name that you will never guess;

The name that no human research can discover--

But The Cat Himself Knows, and will never confess.

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,

The reason, I tell you, is always the same:

His mind is engaged in rapt contemplation

Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:

His ineffable effable

Effanineffable

Deep and inscrutable singular Name.